WHY I SUCK AT GETTING ANYTHING DONE

i've been stuck in a rut for about 2 years now. ever since the summer of 2022, i have found it extremely difficult to work on much of anything creatively, and i haven’t made a game in over a year now. to be frank, that terrifies me.

i keep telling myself over and over that i don’t have time, that i’m busy with other things, that i need a break, and yet whenever i get one i always squander it. i don’t know why, but working on my projects, the work i actually LIKE doing, feels incredibly difficult. i have questioned whether i truly enjoy game development… maybe i’m just in love with the idea of making games rather than the actual process? but that can’t be right, i’ve been through the actual process! i completed a very ambitious game (for my skill at the time), and in doing so i proved to myself that this is something i really want to commit to. i actually did what i’m now always telling myself i should be doing. but for some reason, i just can’t anymore.

i’m very driven by routine, so this experience has been a very vicious cycle for me. it used feel so natural to just start working on teralite or whatever when i was bored with nothing to do. i had a genuine work ethic and could hold myself to self imposed deadlines quite well. but now, just the thought of trying to start up on a project again makes me want to curl up in my bed and sleep forever. i feel so hopeless. i think this feeling stems from how much i’ve guilted myself over not making much of anything during the past 2 years. i feel as though i’m “behind” and that i need to start working harder and faster and better than i ever have in order to “make up” for lost time. this burden i’ve placed on myself has left me feeling extremely discouraging, and has led to me being dismissive of what i do achieve just because it’s not as much as i feel i “should” have done by now.

i’ve tried to break the cycle by focusing on other avenues as sort of a pace breaker: drawing, video editing, and now writing, but none of those have really stuck. or at least they haven’t been able to drive me out of this rut. i feel as though i have some sort of mental block where my creative drive used to be. i’ve also tried to be a bit more strict on myself and maintain a sort of schedule, even trying to ask others to hold me accountable, which hasn’t worked. the least unsuccessful iteration of this has been the self-imposed rule that i release at least one “noteworthy thing” (something that i’d put in the news section on my website) every month, but that’s a very low output, and doesn’t really build up much of a routine at all.

maybe reading this, you may think i’m putting a lot pressure on myself. and yeah… i am, i am. but ultimately i think this sort of thing is necessary for me. i’m not really naturally inclined to work towards my ambitions… in fact, i’m not really naturally inclined to do much of anything other than sit in my room and rot away. i need a push to get myself to stop just thinking about my ambitions and actually do something with my life. and i don’t think i’m going to get that push from anyone but me.

the new year is coming up, and i’ve been one to make resolutions. in 2024, i want to work on a project everyday for at least 30 minutes, and i will then log my progress on this website. i think having a clear history of everything i’ve done laid out will help me be more positive with how i approach my work, as well as provide more motivation in order to avoid breaking the chain. but i also need to sort of hit the reset button and reproach how i look at my work, and free myself from the crushing burden of never living up to what i “should” have accomplished. starting today, i want to look at my work like i have just started making games, writing stories, drawing, and making music.

i need to let myself feel fufilled again.

NonGMOTrash
december 31th, 2023
(last modified: feburary 11, 2024)